Dildo Baggins takes the Hole in One!

When Tolkien wrote the Lord of the Rings he could never have anticipated the importance of his creation  to one of New Zealand’s most important golf weekends. Hobbits have now given us the greatest and most shambolic results in golf. But as we know, nothing greater than 12 stabies can ever wash the stench of golf pooze off this years winner, Darcy (Dildo) Baggins. His golf is now amazing and a bitch slapping was delivered with vengeance and precision.

But to the beginning. In a hole in the ground lived a Seagull. He announced, renounced, declared, despaired, pondered then desponded. From that the 2025 HIO appeared. The boys whined, declared the Dunes was unfair, ambrose was un-American, cuntiness descended like only a bunch of cunts can. Despite it all the show went ahead, no one died, ambrose was fun, the Dunes pristine, the vibe all good.

Day one Ambrose was rad. Wonky of the woodland Wonks was declared the winner of the HIO. In an orgy of premature predictions, the tourney’s most farting golfer was touted as unbeatable by cunts who turned out to have no idea at all. Arise Sir Wonky? Yeah. Nah.

Day 2 aka Day 1 of the HIO saw Darcy start as he meant to finish. Day 2 saw him seal the deal. 

Night 2 saw Marty get 1st prize for most fucked up. His delivery in Elvish and Orcish was impressive. How he got home in the dark is amazing. An array of bedwetters were gone before midnight. We see you cunts.

Final day and Darcy sealed the deal. He played to his handicap. Unlike the rest of us special needs cunts.

Well done DP. You hit the ball like a pro these days. The time of men(tal) cunts has ended. The time of Dildo Baggins begins….

Shire of Shame

Best golfer - Darcy. Outstanding.

Dildo Baggins award for shite golf - Sickman

Most pissed cunt - Marty

2nd best longest drive on final day - Scott

Biggest fall from grace - Wonky

Schplendid weekend boys. Well done Spiddy for another mint tourney.

Nek year organiser is the Fuhrer. Expect bunkers.

Ben to announce Open soon…cough…..

Game of Thrones in One plays out with the Fuhrer of House Moderation taking the prize

Dear Melisandre,

On behalf of the Hole in One team we'd like to send our greetings from Matarangi. We've just finished the tourney for another year, shambles as always, but it was a good un.

Spiddy of Ferry Landing organised and it went remarkably smoothly. We were waiting for the wheels to fall off but it never happened and everyone was mightily impressed. 

The Fuhrer won. No one saw that coming. We think he'd have been great on Game of Thrones as he is a bit of a rooter like the little fellah who killed Tywin Lanister.

This years tourney saw some of the most mediocre scores every submitted in the heat of battle. On Satruday we had at least 3 players vying for the worst every score after 9 holes off the Ladies teebox. Obviously despite the shiteness of their play they couldn't lower their standards far enough. 

Ben Pegler of House Gypsy Tearoom and alleged spinner of words misheard the meaning of the Longest Drive and produced an entire new category of gash known as the Wrongest Drive. He sent it 2 metres into a bush on the 17th tee, feckin shabby.

Friday night was intense, everyone got fucked up. Scott of House Larry David went rogue and gave me the fear because of something Marty said and he misunderstood it then came across the room to tell me. You had to be there, Scott is a funny cunt. He's probably have not gone well on Game of Thrones because someone would have killed him early. But he's a legend.

Friday was such a good night, Graeme, or we like to call him the Hand of the Queen started telling us we didn't like him. What's up with that? we said. He comes to every tourney and parties and golfs with us and he still thinks we think he's a cunt. Maybe its some Canadian thing, you know, the North. If Graeme was on Game of Thrones, Brienne of Tarth would have head-butted him by now.

Mitch didn't win, which is puzzling. We've all done everything we can to help him, firstly by being old cunts. Maybe he's being polite. But then we remember he's from the Gold Coast which is kind of like House Bolton with better tanned Bogans. 

Marty came last. We were surprised to see Marty there because there is no internet in his part of the Kingdom and he thinks we're conspiring against him. But we let golf conspire against him and it seems to be working. His absolute no golf campaign was controversial. Marty might have come last but he didn't get near THE Dildo Baggins level of 13 stabies owned by Darcy of House Pornhub. Not since the Sparrow upset Cersei has golf taken so much away from a golfer.

We had 2 new starters this year. Chris Heise of House Burgler nearly stole the tourney but for the actions of the wilding of Whangamata coming from nowhere on Day 3. The nowhere he came from was where the other new starter could be found, James Moore of House Less failed in his quest.

All in all it was a terrific weekend. 

Lots of love

D. Baggins

PS: We were wondering how big your rack is? The boys think it looks like a pair of outstanding bosoms but we couldn't agree on the size. If there's something we like to grapple with in the HIO its womens anatomy. We spent ages working on Becky's bleached anus, Bob even wrote a song about it. 

Also we are sorry you died on Game of Thrones, but you were a bit of a cunt. 

________________________________________________________________________-

Awards

Hole in One winner, the Wilding of Whangamata, well done bro, amazing comeback. 

Great organising award for a mint tourney - Spiddy of Ferry Landing.

Wrongest Drive, Ben, fucking amazing to contain that much gash into a single drive. 

Best Drive and Closest to the Pin aggregate, Darcy of House Baggins

The Darran Wong Kam award for farting and soiling of ones undies goes to Darran Wong Kam

Dildo Baggins award for last place, Marty, the shitness of your golf has no depth

Marc holds of enigmatic Fuhrer to take the 2023 HIO!

Marc gets the job done on the 18th to see off the Jeckyl and Hyde of golf, invader of nations and channeler of vaginal energy aka The Fuhrer. In a tourney that controversially removed the best 2 rounds ruling, there was no surprise that victory went to one of the few actually fully formed adults in the event.

The event got off to a shaky start with organiser supremo Scott Spicer, an ACT party fundraiser from Waihi decided that at this years tournament he'd like no one to come. Launching possibly one of the least charm offences ever seen in golf tourney organisation, he managed to wound the entire field before closing the books. Thankfully there are many aspects to Scotty and the devil got off his shoulder to be replaced by more saintly and user friendly Scott, the one we all like staying up talking shit with. Nek minute the red carpet has been dusted off and a field of 20 assembled to challenge for the greatest of average golf tourneys.

Day one will be most memorable for the 17 stabies Adi scratched together in what was his own personal festival of gash golf. On the positive side of the table Marc, Graeme, Fuhrer and Mitch turned in competitive numbers to be in contention heading into Day 2.

The biggest problem in golf tournaments is that Day 2 follows Night 1. Night 1 has a habit of shabbiness that has hung around like the stench of a bad fart since forever. A very pleasant dinner where everyone didn't get to see the alleged Laotian goddess of Waihi, just her nanna who served to show that Laotian goddesses have a fleeting moment in the sun. Back to Scotts where the true spirit of the Hole in One was on display as early front-runner Graeme got toasted as a very toasted person gets. Thus ultimately probably fucking up his tourney right there and then, well played Graeme. Several other spiritless and desperate cunts didn't do the mahi and vanished off for a good nights sleep because when you have no conscience it frees up space for carrying stabies in your black heart....

Day 2 was difficult if you were Scott or Adi because they stayed up like true contenders don't.

Paeroa, famous for a diabetic inducing sugary shit show with lemon allegedly an ingredient turns out to have a hidden gem of a golf course. Marc, Mitch, Fuhrer and Graeme finished the day at the top of the field whilst everyone else bungled their way around. Wonky scored well despite spending 4 hours in a cart with Parko, good cunt but also one of golfs most famous distractions. Adi operated a strong 2 shit strategy that ultimately failed, Bob got Karen'd by the Karens behind us.

If there is one thing the Fuhrer knows is vaginas. So finding ourselves under the same room at the RSA as a group of 46 aging vaginas was always going to have an impact on that inner something that helps him go from shambolic to sensational on a golf course. There has and never will be another human who can be the utter dregs of hell on a golf course for the first 4 holes before smashing 36 plus stabies on the remaining holes, it's just not possible. But the Fuhrer does it again and again.

Day 3 at Waihi was memorable for the burning anus suffered by Wonky which derailed any chance he had of competing for the title. That's arguably the only thing of interest that happened to anyone on course except for Marc and the Fuhrer, although the mad Tui's on the back nine were amazing. The title went down to the wire and Marc go the job done, well done that man there.

Was a rad weekend, thanks Scotty for organising and being an ace host, great time was enjoyed by all.

Honours

The Huggies award for not making it to the designated shitter in time goes to  Marty

The Johnny Cash award for a literal Ring of Fire goes to Wonky.

The Becky's Bleached Anus award for song-writing goes to Bob

Hole in One winner and great golfer goes to Marc

The Dildo Baggins award for shitter than shit golf goes to Adi.

NB: The decision has been made to anchor the HIO at the Dunes in Matarangi for a spell, see you there next hear.

Mitch is organising the Open.

Sickman smashes the field in the far North!

In one of the greatest big screen scenes ever from Pulp Fiction, Jules enquires of Brad to describe 'what does Marcellus Wallace look like?'. Unlike Marcellus Wallace, the entire field at this years HIO does indeed look like a bitch and that is why Sickman fucked us. Because we look like a bitch. 

Coming in hot from his destruction of the Open at Tieke, Sickman had a hunger for trophies and the HIO had no chance against the most suspect handicap in golf. No amount of golf or lessons seemed to be able coax that handicap out of the 30's and so it was as the tourney commenced at Waitangi. 

Friday could have been different. The weather gods worked hard to stop Sickmans campaign before he even arrived. The storms closed roads and delayed travel. Ben's Volvo turned submarine shituation providing one of the weekends miracles as good samaritans were called upon to rescue the sinking Volvo and despite banjo's and the threat of a Ned Beattie repeat the situ was saved and DDB's 3 least employed people arrived at Waitangi. 

Waitangi saw some strong performances as everyone tried to book themselves their own room at the fab beach house at Coopers. Sadly for nearly everyone there were only 3 rooms available and every other sad cunt would have to satisfy himself sharing a room with snorers, sleeping in hallways, lounges or anywhere they could fit. 

 

Day 2 at Carrington saw the leaders consolidate their position at the top of the leaderboard and failing a miracle the final day at the glorious Kauri Cliffs was a contest of 3 potential winners. In the end no one could stop Sickman. He's the Stockholm Syndrome of golf. Congratulations on a great haul, your handicap is plummeting and the boys look forward to revenge at the 2023 Open. Graeme came in at 2nd and Adi out of nowhere to secure 3rd place. 

Big thanks to Spiddy for organising a rad 20th Hole in One. Who'd have imagined 20 years ago we'd still be going strong, well done bro!

WALL OF SHAME 

Drunkest person all weekend award for being toasted - Marty

Snoriest cunt - Marty and Smith

Freaking Spid out award for threatening to move into his bedroom - Scott 

Boss award for leaving his wife with a newborn and his parents - Mitch

Rolling Maul award for biggest women's rugby Karen's award, all who sit down to piss - Shane, Pete and Scott

Biggest tantrum award for no one wants to watch my gay Youtube video - Graeme

Paiges vagina award for most inspired come back from hell - Adi 

DILDO BAGGINS AWARD A joint award this year for Marty and Scott. The shitness of your golf knows no bounds.

Spid conquers all in the lockdown showdown to take the 2021 HIO!

If anyone needed reminding that Covid is a cunt, the 2021 tourney was all the evidence required. In her infinite wisdom, that only Ben and Scott can see, the Holy JaCersei decided to keep the Auckland colony in lockdown, stopping the free worlders from coming to town to do battle with the boy in the traditional fashion where everyone goes to the same course and plays golf. Thanks to the determination of this years organiser, Shane Rush, a sprayer of sea shit from Waikino, a suburb of Waihi, it was decided to push ahead despite the lockdown and play the match in 2 locations. Muriwai for the Jafugess and The Dunes and Lakes for the free worlders. Sadly the Lakes greens proved to be so beyond shite that 2 matches were played at the Dunes. It became reasonably quickly apparent that with Lakes being a horror show and the Dunes being just fucking hard to play that the Muriwai course was coughing up the best stabies. Spid was making light work of the lockdown cunts and produced 80 stabies to smash the field and take the tourney comfortably. Not much else to say really, was awesome catching up with the boys for some great golf and general good times. Lets hope we never have to play a split tourney again cos its a bit of a shite show really. Wall of Shame - The 'I've had lessons so get fucked cunts' award for successful golf preparation goes to - Spid - The 'what the fuck were we thinking playing at lakes award, the hardest course we could find' goes to - Lakes Resort - The Dildo Baggins award for shitness of golf goes to - Adi - The organiser award goes to Shane, well done mate, trying circumstances but you kept the boys from becoming their usual toddler like cunts. Here's to next year.

Ben Pegler leads from start to finish as the HIO hits Queenstown!

Ben Pegler, a BLM and transgender rights advocate from Auckland smashes the field to win the 2020 Hole in One held at 3 amazing course in the Queenstown district. The great man who refuses to ride in a golf cart or wear long trousers, even in chilly conditions proved once and for all that every cat has its day.

 The tourney started controversially when the serial stand by traveller from Waihitia, reigning champion Peter Tai (and Raysan) arrived early to the tourney to claim a single bedroom. How Pete managed to get on the plane with the excess baggage of a legitimate handicap is a mystery to everyone. The Fuhrer had cleverly assessed his arrival time to be more than enough to stake a claim for said above mentioned rooms and was Fuhrerous to discover that his neighbours from South South Whangamata had guzzumped his claim.

Friday it rained, the kind of rain that normal people do not go and play golf in. Milbrook was the perfect rain covered rich cunts ghetto to kick off the tourney. Many of us didn't mind the rain. Most of us did. Gash golf unfolded all over the course, Darcy nearly shat himself, the sound of cunts wailing like Sméagol could be heard in all directions. But through this Ben and Conrad emerged with 41 and 40 stabies respectively, amazing performance in the shite of the weather.

Friday night was party night and along with some goodies the boys piled into the beers and enjoyed the best of the view from the deck. Off to the pub for some beers and a bite then out into the night for many of us. At some stage Spid, Bob, The Fuhrer and Adi arrived at a mint club full of dancing yoof and good vibes. Then it happened, an attractive 20 something chick peeled away from the pack and got herself a major Adi crush, touching and twerking her way all over his campaign. Thankfully despite being quite fucked up, Adi recognised the alert level of this amorous engagement and managed to extricate himself from her grasp, Manon swooping in and rescuing her father as all good daughters ought to do. Clearly the young lady was only human and Adi's peak level of irresistibility was too much for her to hold back. Honorable mention to the Fuhrer for grabbing her ass, clearly the Fuhrer has no respect for boundaries and this was to be no exception.

Saturday and off to Arrowtown to discover that being hungover and trying to hit a narrow fairway is not for everyone, nearly not for anyone. The boys shabbed up the entire course, produced fuck all good golf, Marty the exception. Dave in his inaugural tourney and having chucked out a donut needed a great score on Saturday but came in hot with a 16, dangerously close to the ultimate Dildo Baggins award, long coveted and held by Darcy.

Friday night saw the entire crew enjoy some fine dining in a private setting at the Bunker. Great wine, delicious food and a general good vibe was enjoyed. At this stage the sensible amongst us left the building and headed home for a good kip before hitting the challenge of Jacks. No one told this to the Seagull and Pete who amongst others got heavily fucked up and ultimately had Sunday golf to forget or not at all...

Jacks Point was resplendent in sunshine as we arrived. The rebel tour had kicked off earlier. As we drove past Pete and his grey pallor it became instantly clear that this was not going to be his day. He actually played like a pro for the first 8 holes before a cloud of gash golf descended upon him and his campaign derailed in the true traditions of hungover hell. 

Jacks was beautiful, spectacular, pick your superlative, but the boys were more laxative than superlative. The shite of nearly everyone's golf was testimony to the fine traditions of driving oneself off a cliff in the lead up to the big match. But Ben managed to do it again. Quietly cruising around the course in auto-pilot mode and his metronomic swing doing the biz.

So a massive congratulations to Ben, well deserved and worthy winner. Huge thank you to Queenstown for being such a beautiful place to hang out, friendly locals, twerkers, Ferg everything....

Thanks to the Rebels for coming down and making it a 16 man tourney, fucking epic. Big welcome to Dave and Ryan for joining the shambles, hope to see you at the next one.

Wall of Shame.

The Tourettes award for saying shit that you aren't really allowed to say goes to Bob for his Shakespearean contribution to the bar lady at Atlas, "she looks like she knows where all the cocks and balls are"

The WAP award for being too irresistible to women half is age goes to Adi.

The fucker upper of campaigns to the detriment of the very purpose of being in Queenstown award goes to the Seagull himself!

The any snoring Smith can do, I can do better award goes to the Sickman himself!

The optimism in the face of a tsunami of gash golf award goes to newcomer Dave.

The greyest Maori this side of a statue award goes to Pete.

Great weekend boys, thanks for all making the effort to come and play, was a ripper! See you at the Open.

Pete Tai stabies up a storm to take the 2019 Hole in One!

Peter Tai, a transgender fishing entrepreneur from the Waihitian triangle has stormed to a compelling victory in this years Hole in One. Despite golf being the only handicap he doesn't have, he managed to hold off a strong finishing Fuhrer of Whangamata (a disrespecter of boundaries both national and personal).

This years tourney commenced at Te Puke in perfect conditions for golf. Despite a strong methane performance eminating from the club shitter and also the fat cunt who let one rip as he walked past several of us, the boys kept their heads clear and set off in pursuit of stabies. Nekminnit and in somewhat inevitable fashion, the scores for day 1 were collated and it was only great reading for the Waihitians. Not since the great heist at the Open in Taupo 2016 have so many Waihitians produced rounds that bore no resemblance to their handicaps (or pretend handicaps... ). Leader for the day was Pete, 44 stabies, 0 official handicap, lots of explaining to do.

Onwards to Ohope and the excruciating bed selection process was at its most horrendous. Serial Pollster (and winner of the 2019 Pollster Association of New Zealand award for the most completely unfathomable poll) Spid aka Seagull tried every bed in both houses before settling on a room and the madness was finally stopped.

The boys then went on a liesurely 3 hour walk to the nearby Fisherman's Wharf restaurant. No we didn't because unlike Raysan, (a long-term unemployed map reader from Cannon's Creek in the Porirua region), the boys can read maps and could see the shite of it coming out of him thinking it was just down the road...
$700 later on the only taxi in the area, the boys discovered that all was not what it seemed at Ohope's famed fish restaurant. Fish. You know, from the sea, bulging eye scales, fish. None, nada, zip, no fish were harmed in the consumption of our dinner at Ohope's famed fish restaurant. As if conjured from the deepest recesses of Poseidon's asshole, the boys had to dine of Steak, from the ocean of green called the Land.

Day 2 was special. Special needs. 2 participants in the 3 round tourney turned up on Day 2. Not since the debacle in Wellington (region, not actual) has such simple instructions as what day and when to turn up and play golf become so difficult for so many. Trevor Pye, a Jewish tea bagger from the Kaipara and Shane Rush a not very fucking rushed person arrived on Day 2. Special.

Conditions were great, the course was mint and the stabies were average across the park. Some of the worst 1st Tee performances ever seen at Ohope International were on display as the boys peppered the manicured gardens with the shittest of the shit tee-shits. It was as if the Dildo Baggins of Taniwha had put a spell on the boys.

That evening the boys retired to the Ohope club to catchup with one of Ben Pegler's (a professional manipulator of the truth from the inner suburbs of Dorkland) best mates, Nigel. Nigel no Mates. Ben and Nigel go way back and by the time we had got to know him better we hoped he would go back even further (to wherever the fuck he crawled out of..). But the boys are a tolerant and legit gathering of cunts and even the loneliest Nigel on earth is welcome with us (well next to Ben mainly)...

Day 3 was a "great day for a long drive" said Adrian Keane (a fucking all-round top bloke and big drive hitter from Cooks Bitch). It was also a great day for hitting stabies, so great indeed that for moments rumour spread around the course that Pete's big lead was in jeopardy and the Fuhrer was marching his troops into Pete's Poland. Thankfully once the Fuhrer became aware of his amazing 34 stabies with 4 holes to play he completely produced a hole of such complete shitness that his campaign went fast forward to destination fucked.
Another competitor to briefly lose his mind and enact the ancient ritual of club chucking was the Seagull who found the behaviour of his group so egregious as to be worthy of major recriminations. The naughty corner became a sell-out of transgressors, Ben (walking in front of tee-shit), Adi and the Fuhrer (not helping find hopelessly lost ball), Wedge (a club that made him hit a shite shot). To his credit, he managed to apologise and banish the brain Taniwha that had turned him into an angry cunt and we all played on happily ever after.

Meanwhile back in the leader pack, Pete was stabie collecting up a storm. No amount of Scott Spicer (a school board of trustees disruptor and part time cunt) complaining about the hold up from the team in front (as they desperately tried to find the Fuhrer's wayward shots).

So it came to pass. Pete Tai was victorious. 83 stabies on the official unofficial handicap register at Royal Fake Handicap of Cuntingham. Congratulations brother, you were the best and no one can take it away from you. Well played.

The Shame of Wall.

The whatever happened to Marty who didn't manage to outrage or annoy anyone by being Marty award goes to - Marty
The Fuck I hate waiting for the cunts in front of me to take a shot and I can't be fucked waiting for my team-mates to play their shots, fuck you all award goes to ---- Scott
The Mum wouldn't let me come and play golf on Friday award because I have been ritually castrated award goes to ---- Trev and Shane
The I like to have a beer with Duncan... I mean Nigel award for attracting strange lonely cunts goes to ----- Ben
The music industry award for having no music at my place award and moving the entire party there goes to ----- Scott.
The great weekend of golf organisation award goes to .----- Raysan.
The Dildo Baggins Award for Shitness of Golf goes to ----- Marty. Whilst he tied with Trev, his extra round to produce such Shiteness could not be ignored. Arise Sir Shiteness.