Marc Lesch, a Green Party fundraiser and Hauraki District Macarena champion 2003 has held off a fast finishing Smith, a Tinder and Bumble enthusiast from Whangamata in the final moments of this years Hole in One. Smith had Marc on the ropes and could have taken the tourney with a relatively simple putt on the first playoff hole, but an on-rush of substantial sphincter tightening distracted the great man and sent his putt flying past the hole. Marc didn't need a second chance and calmly finished Smith off sending him back to the Coromandel to continue working on the Poon Fund.
The 2018 Hole in One kicked off in shambolic fashion as it became apparent that no one had paid any attention to the 1st days tee off time and ensured their travel was booked to arrive late. This commitment to being shit continued for much of the weekend and everyone contributed to a masterclass of toddler like ability to wander off and do whatever the fuck suited them.
Day One results continued the tradition of playing for pole position of room selection only to arrive at the accommodation to discover that there were no winnable rooms and everyone was going to have to put up with some snoring cunt. Not since Spid woke everyone up at 7am at the Cambridge 'Open' has there been such a committed effort to ensure that no one would enjoy a good nights sleep.
Day two was shit weather. Windy and a bit rainy. Enough that half the team decided to fuck golf and go to the RSA. Snooker was played, horses were bet on and food was consumed in warmth and comfort. A visit to Smiths old man added to a pleasant afternoon of convivial company.
The golf at Paraparaumu to all accounts was also terrific, despite the challenging conditions and all the return players seemed to enjoy their round.
Anyway, no one died, attitudes developed, recriminations were traded and faster than you can say Jacinda has got big fat sausage legs, the boys were all back at base enjoying a few quiet beverages to finish the evening and ensure that they had plenty of snore time to annoy everyone with.
Sunday and the sun shone and the boys headed to Boulcott, less hungover and with steely motivation to bring glory upon themselves. Conditions were favourable and a tsunami of stapies were scored, including a round high 41 by Scott, a Pubic Hair analyst from Waihi.
The playoff was a cracker, and reminded everyone that our Drinking weekend away with the boys could be a golf weekend too.
Congratulations to Marc for organising this bakers dozen of shabbiness. Congratulations to Marc for winning the tournament again, well played.
Wall of Shame.
The 'if my wife doesn't remember' then fucked if I will award for not bring the fucking Precious to the only place its supposed to be every year goes to - Marc
The 'omigod I've been 'triggered and need a safe space' award for not being able to handle that their fangirl has got fat sausage legs award goes to - Ben and Steve
The Air Vladivostok award for inability to book a flight home that remotely correlates to the time I am available to board the fucking plane award goes to - Spid
The IHC award for lacking the cerebral matter to be able to understand simple instructions or communicate accurate instructions to any other human being - Darcy
The Dildo Baggins award for extreme level of shitness at golf - Steve
The Damo and Darren award for calling everyone a cunt goes to - Adi
The Sleep Deprivation award for ruinous levels of fucking snoring like a cunt goes to - Smith and Raysan
The 'unbelievably not controversial' award for being unbelievably not controversial - Scott
The 'eyes in the back of his head' award for being able to tell you what happened on a snooker table whilst facing in the complete opposite direction - Marty
Sunday, November 4, 2018
Wednesday, February 7, 2018
Marc takes the Hole in One in Vegas!
Marc Lesch, a cow fiddler from Ngatea has taken the 2017 Hole in One overcoming a late charge from a scavenging Seagull.
The Tournament kicked off on Friday at Rotorua where organiser Peter Tai, a professional chicken sexer from Waihitia endeavoured to stamp his authority on an increasingly belligerent field. The first group teed off without being given authority to do so leading to general outrage from the following participants.
The first day as always was play for your room day which lead to enhanced performances all round desperate to avoid having to share accommodation with Smith (snoring), Ben (bedwetter), Marty (sleep talking.....).
The Seagull controversially departed and missed out on the Friday night carry on. He had heard there was a rowing tournament on in Auckland and was desperate not to miss it. Sadly he was wrong so he ended up going to his sons school leaver dinner instead.
On Saturday the heavens opened and it rained. Not just rain. Biblical rain. The people of Rotorua abandoned all hope, loaded their goldfish, wives and playstation onto their arks and begged for mercy. Peter Tai had other plans. He thought it was a great day for golf. It wasn't. It was a shit day for golf. Everyone managed to hit a shit round, without fail. Plus added bonus of getting all their clubs and gear soaked, brilliant. But I digress. The madness was only beginning.
The Rugby League was on, the hits, the biff, so off the boys go to a sports bar, yep a sports bar in Vegas. Within very quick time, the champagne socialists in the tournament had to abandon the bar because there were too many common folks there.... empathy for their plight is one thing, but having to rub shoulders with them is another persons job. We were shocked seeing the left guard run away, not mentioning names of prominent Labour/Green voting people...Ben..cough... Scott....
Not accepting the breaking up of the band, the rest of the Hole in One ers endeavoured to find the escapees. Using powers of deduction, the socialist enclave were found hiding in the safest whitest dispenser of beer in town, an Irish pub..... with no fucking sound on the TV..... bullshit.
Finally that was kicked to touch and the footy was watched and dinner was had and Shane and Marty provided entertainment by annoying the shit out of each other and threatening violence......
The final day of the Tourney at Springfield, home of tight fairways and the Simpsons. An amazing round ensued. Never in the history of the tournament had so many players a chance to win it with 9 holes to play. As if by divine intervention the wheels fell off everyones campaign except the Seagull and Marc. It came down to the last hole and Marc's nerves held. Being the only real golfer of any serious ability in the tourney has always worked against him as the band of extra shot bandits rorted the Stableford system for all it is worth. A great victory by a great golfer and all round legit great guy. Well done Marc, well deserved.
Wall of Shame
The culturally insensitive award for dodgy jokes - Smith for his dodgy Islamic joke. Raysan has called the Jihad, watch your back, not everyone with a towel round there head in Whangamata has been to the beach..
The Jarvis Cocker award for empathy towards common people, just don't make me drink in a bar with them - Scott, Ben, Mitch, Shane.
The Morrissey award for smashing every tooth in your face - Shane Rush for wanting to do just that to Marty.
The its only offensive if you take offense award for no control over what comes out of my mouth award - Marty 1st, daylight 2nd.
The well organised tourney award - Pete Tai, well done brother, was a mint weekend in no small part thanks to your terrific organisation.
The take that you cunts award for playing great golf - Marc, take that you cunts (what he thought but didn't say, too polite).
Finally, the Dildo Baggins award for being so shit at golf as to defy reason - Ben..... again.
The Tournament kicked off on Friday at Rotorua where organiser Peter Tai, a professional chicken sexer from Waihitia endeavoured to stamp his authority on an increasingly belligerent field. The first group teed off without being given authority to do so leading to general outrage from the following participants.
The first day as always was play for your room day which lead to enhanced performances all round desperate to avoid having to share accommodation with Smith (snoring), Ben (bedwetter), Marty (sleep talking.....).
The Seagull controversially departed and missed out on the Friday night carry on. He had heard there was a rowing tournament on in Auckland and was desperate not to miss it. Sadly he was wrong so he ended up going to his sons school leaver dinner instead.
On Saturday the heavens opened and it rained. Not just rain. Biblical rain. The people of Rotorua abandoned all hope, loaded their goldfish, wives and playstation onto their arks and begged for mercy. Peter Tai had other plans. He thought it was a great day for golf. It wasn't. It was a shit day for golf. Everyone managed to hit a shit round, without fail. Plus added bonus of getting all their clubs and gear soaked, brilliant. But I digress. The madness was only beginning.
The Rugby League was on, the hits, the biff, so off the boys go to a sports bar, yep a sports bar in Vegas. Within very quick time, the champagne socialists in the tournament had to abandon the bar because there were too many common folks there.... empathy for their plight is one thing, but having to rub shoulders with them is another persons job. We were shocked seeing the left guard run away, not mentioning names of prominent Labour/Green voting people...Ben..cough... Scott....
Not accepting the breaking up of the band, the rest of the Hole in One ers endeavoured to find the escapees. Using powers of deduction, the socialist enclave were found hiding in the safest whitest dispenser of beer in town, an Irish pub..... with no fucking sound on the TV..... bullshit.
Finally that was kicked to touch and the footy was watched and dinner was had and Shane and Marty provided entertainment by annoying the shit out of each other and threatening violence......
The final day of the Tourney at Springfield, home of tight fairways and the Simpsons. An amazing round ensued. Never in the history of the tournament had so many players a chance to win it with 9 holes to play. As if by divine intervention the wheels fell off everyones campaign except the Seagull and Marc. It came down to the last hole and Marc's nerves held. Being the only real golfer of any serious ability in the tourney has always worked against him as the band of extra shot bandits rorted the Stableford system for all it is worth. A great victory by a great golfer and all round legit great guy. Well done Marc, well deserved.
Wall of Shame
The culturally insensitive award for dodgy jokes - Smith for his dodgy Islamic joke. Raysan has called the Jihad, watch your back, not everyone with a towel round there head in Whangamata has been to the beach..
The Jarvis Cocker award for empathy towards common people, just don't make me drink in a bar with them - Scott, Ben, Mitch, Shane.
The Morrissey award for smashing every tooth in your face - Shane Rush for wanting to do just that to Marty.
The its only offensive if you take offense award for no control over what comes out of my mouth award - Marty 1st, daylight 2nd.
The well organised tourney award - Pete Tai, well done brother, was a mint weekend in no small part thanks to your terrific organisation.
The take that you cunts award for playing great golf - Marc, take that you cunts (what he thought but didn't say, too polite).
Finally, the Dildo Baggins award for being so shit at golf as to defy reason - Ben..... again.
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