Marc Lesch, a cow fiddler from Ngatea has taken the 2017 Hole in One overcoming a late charge from a scavenging Seagull.
The Tournament kicked off on Friday at Rotorua where organiser Peter Tai, a professional chicken sexer from Waihitia endeavoured to stamp his authority on an increasingly belligerent field. The first group teed off without being given authority to do so leading to general outrage from the following participants.
The first day as always was play for your room day which lead to enhanced performances all round desperate to avoid having to share accommodation with Smith (snoring), Ben (bedwetter), Marty (sleep talking.....).
The Seagull controversially departed and missed out on the Friday night carry on. He had heard there was a rowing tournament on in Auckland and was desperate not to miss it. Sadly he was wrong so he ended up going to his sons school leaver dinner instead.
On Saturday the heavens opened and it rained. Not just rain. Biblical rain. The people of Rotorua abandoned all hope, loaded their goldfish, wives and playstation onto their arks and begged for mercy. Peter Tai had other plans. He thought it was a great day for golf. It wasn't. It was a shit day for golf. Everyone managed to hit a shit round, without fail. Plus added bonus of getting all their clubs and gear soaked, brilliant. But I digress. The madness was only beginning.
The Rugby League was on, the hits, the biff, so off the boys go to a sports bar, yep a sports bar in Vegas. Within very quick time, the champagne socialists in the tournament had to abandon the bar because there were too many common folks there.... empathy for their plight is one thing, but having to rub shoulders with them is another persons job. We were shocked seeing the left guard run away, not mentioning names of prominent Labour/Green voting people...Ben..cough... Scott....
Not accepting the breaking up of the band, the rest of the Hole in One ers endeavoured to find the escapees. Using powers of deduction, the socialist enclave were found hiding in the safest whitest dispenser of beer in town, an Irish pub..... with no fucking sound on the TV..... bullshit.
Finally that was kicked to touch and the footy was watched and dinner was had and Shane and Marty provided entertainment by annoying the shit out of each other and threatening violence......
The final day of the Tourney at Springfield, home of tight fairways and the Simpsons. An amazing round ensued. Never in the history of the tournament had so many players a chance to win it with 9 holes to play. As if by divine intervention the wheels fell off everyones campaign except the Seagull and Marc. It came down to the last hole and Marc's nerves held. Being the only real golfer of any serious ability in the tourney has always worked against him as the band of extra shot bandits rorted the Stableford system for all it is worth. A great victory by a great golfer and all round legit great guy. Well done Marc, well deserved.
Wall of Shame
The culturally insensitive award for dodgy jokes - Smith for his dodgy Islamic joke. Raysan has called the Jihad, watch your back, not everyone with a towel round there head in Whangamata has been to the beach..
The Jarvis Cocker award for empathy towards common people, just don't make me drink in a bar with them - Scott, Ben, Mitch, Shane.
The Morrissey award for smashing every tooth in your face - Shane Rush for wanting to do just that to Marty.
The its only offensive if you take offense award for no control over what comes out of my mouth award - Marty 1st, daylight 2nd.
The well organised tourney award - Pete Tai, well done brother, was a mint weekend in no small part thanks to your terrific organisation.
The take that you cunts award for playing great golf - Marc, take that you cunts (what he thought but didn't say, too polite).
Finally, the Dildo Baggins award for being so shit at golf as to defy reason - Ben..... again.
