Peter Tai, a transgender fishing entrepreneur from the Waihitian triangle has stormed to a compelling victory in this years Hole in One. Despite golf being the only handicap he doesn't have, he managed to hold off a strong finishing Fuhrer of Whangamata (a disrespecter of boundaries both national and personal).
This years tourney commenced at Te Puke in perfect conditions for golf. Despite a strong methane performance eminating from the club shitter and also the fat cunt who let one rip as he walked past several of us, the boys kept their heads clear and set off in pursuit of stabies. Nekminnit and in somewhat inevitable fashion, the scores for day 1 were collated and it was only great reading for the Waihitians. Not since the great heist at the Open in Taupo 2016 have so many Waihitians produced rounds that bore no resemblance to their handicaps (or pretend handicaps... ). Leader for the day was Pete, 44 stabies, 0 official handicap, lots of explaining to do.
Onwards to Ohope and the excruciating bed selection process was at its most horrendous. Serial Pollster (and winner of the 2019 Pollster Association of New Zealand award for the most completely unfathomable poll) Spid aka Seagull tried every bed in both houses before settling on a room and the madness was finally stopped.
The boys then went on a liesurely 3 hour walk to the nearby Fisherman's Wharf restaurant. No we didn't because unlike Raysan, (a long-term unemployed map reader from Cannon's Creek in the Porirua region), the boys can read maps and could see the shite of it coming out of him thinking it was just down the road...
$700 later on the only taxi in the area, the boys discovered that all was not what it seemed at Ohope's famed fish restaurant. Fish. You know, from the sea, bulging eye scales, fish. None, nada, zip, no fish were harmed in the consumption of our dinner at Ohope's famed fish restaurant. As if conjured from the deepest recesses of Poseidon's asshole, the boys had to dine of Steak, from the ocean of green called the Land.
Day 2 was special. Special needs. 2 participants in the 3 round tourney turned up on Day 2. Not since the debacle in Wellington (region, not actual) has such simple instructions as what day and when to turn up and play golf become so difficult for so many. Trevor Pye, a Jewish tea bagger from the Kaipara and Shane Rush a not very fucking rushed person arrived on Day 2. Special.
Conditions were great, the course was mint and the stabies were average across the park. Some of the worst 1st Tee performances ever seen at Ohope International were on display as the boys peppered the manicured gardens with the shittest of the shit tee-shits. It was as if the Dildo Baggins of Taniwha had put a spell on the boys.
That evening the boys retired to the Ohope club to catchup with one of Ben Pegler's (a professional manipulator of the truth from the inner suburbs of Dorkland) best mates, Nigel. Nigel no Mates. Ben and Nigel go way back and by the time we had got to know him better we hoped he would go back even further (to wherever the fuck he crawled out of..). But the boys are a tolerant and legit gathering of cunts and even the loneliest Nigel on earth is welcome with us (well next to Ben mainly)...
Day 3 was a "great day for a long drive" said Adrian Keane (a fucking all-round top bloke and big drive hitter from Cooks Bitch). It was also a great day for hitting stabies, so great indeed that for moments rumour spread around the course that Pete's big lead was in jeopardy and the Fuhrer was marching his troops into Pete's Poland. Thankfully once the Fuhrer became aware of his amazing 34 stabies with 4 holes to play he completely produced a hole of such complete shitness that his campaign went fast forward to destination fucked.
Another competitor to briefly lose his mind and enact the ancient ritual of club chucking was the Seagull who found the behaviour of his group so egregious as to be worthy of major recriminations. The naughty corner became a sell-out of transgressors, Ben (walking in front of tee-shit), Adi and the Fuhrer (not helping find hopelessly lost ball), Wedge (a club that made him hit a shite shot). To his credit, he managed to apologise and banish the brain Taniwha that had turned him into an angry cunt and we all played on happily ever after.
Meanwhile back in the leader pack, Pete was stabie collecting up a storm. No amount of Scott Spicer (a school board of trustees disruptor and part time cunt) complaining about the hold up from the team in front (as they desperately tried to find the Fuhrer's wayward shots).
So it came to pass. Pete Tai was victorious. 83 stabies on the official unofficial handicap register at Royal Fake Handicap of Cuntingham. Congratulations brother, you were the best and no one can take it away from you. Well played.
The Shame of Wall.
The whatever happened to Marty who didn't manage to outrage or annoy anyone by being Marty award goes to - Marty
The Fuck I hate waiting for the cunts in front of me to take a shot and I can't be fucked waiting for my team-mates to play their shots, fuck you all award goes to ---- Scott
The Mum wouldn't let me come and play golf on Friday award because I have been ritually castrated award goes to ---- Trev and Shane
The I like to have a beer with Duncan... I mean Nigel award for attracting strange lonely cunts goes to ----- Ben
The music industry award for having no music at my place award and moving the entire party there goes to ----- Scott.
The great weekend of golf organisation award goes to .----- Raysan.
The Dildo Baggins Award for Shitness of Golf goes to ----- Marty. Whilst he tied with Trev, his extra round to produce such Shiteness could not be ignored. Arise Sir Shiteness.
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