On behalf of the Hole in One team we'd like to send our greetings from Matarangi. We've just finished the tourney for another year, shambles as always, but it was a good un.
Spiddy of Ferry Landing organised and it went remarkably smoothly. We were waiting for the wheels to fall off but it never happened and everyone was mightily impressed.
The Fuhrer won. No one saw that coming. We think he'd have been great on Game of Thrones as he is a bit of a rooter like the little fellah who killed Tywin Lanister.
This years tourney saw some of the most mediocre scores every submitted in the heat of battle. On Satruday we had at least 3 players vying for the worst every score after 9 holes off the Ladies teebox. Obviously despite the shiteness of their play they couldn't lower their standards far enough.
Ben Pegler of House Gypsy Tearoom and alleged spinner of words misheard the meaning of the Longest Drive and produced an entire new category of gash known as the Wrongest Drive. He sent it 2 metres into a bush on the 17th tee, feckin shabby.
Friday night was intense, everyone got fucked up. Scott of House Larry David went rogue and gave me the fear because of something Marty said and he misunderstood it then came across the room to tell me. You had to be there, Scott is a funny cunt. He's probably have not gone well on Game of Thrones because someone would have killed him early. But he's a legend.
Friday was such a good night, Graeme, or we like to call him the Hand of the Queen started telling us we didn't like him. What's up with that? we said. He comes to every tourney and parties and golfs with us and he still thinks we think he's a cunt. Maybe its some Canadian thing, you know, the North. If Graeme was on Game of Thrones, Brienne of Tarth would have head-butted him by now.
Mitch didn't win, which is puzzling. We've all done everything we can to help him, firstly by being old cunts. Maybe he's being polite. But then we remember he's from the Gold Coast which is kind of like House Bolton with better tanned Bogans.
Marty came last. We were surprised to see Marty there because there is no internet in his part of the Kingdom and he thinks we're conspiring against him. But we let golf conspire against him and it seems to be working. His absolute no golf campaign was controversial. Marty might have come last but he didn't get near THE Dildo Baggins level of 13 stabies owned by Darcy of House Pornhub. Not since the Sparrow upset Cersei has golf taken so much away from a golfer.
We had 2 new starters this year. Chris Heise of House Burgler nearly stole the tourney but for the actions of the wilding of Whangamata coming from nowhere on Day 3. The nowhere he came from was where the other new starter could be found, James Moore of House Less failed in his quest.
All in all it was a terrific weekend.
Lots of love
D. Baggins
PS: We were wondering how big your rack is? The boys think it looks like a pair of outstanding bosoms but we couldn't agree on the size. If there's something we like to grapple with in the HIO its womens anatomy. We spent ages working on Becky's bleached anus, Bob even wrote a song about it.
Also we are sorry you died on Game of Thrones, but you were a bit of a cunt.
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Awards
Hole in One winner, the Wilding of Whangamata, well done bro, amazing comeback.
Great organising award for a mint tourney - Spiddy of Ferry Landing.
Wrongest Drive, Ben, fucking amazing to contain that much gash into a single drive.
Best Drive and Closest to the Pin aggregate, Darcy of House Baggins
The Darran Wong Kam award for farting and soiling of ones undies goes to Darran Wong Kam
Dildo Baggins award for last place, Marty, the shitness of your golf has no depth
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