When Tolkien wrote the Lord of the Rings he could never have anticipated the importance of his creation to one of New Zealand’s most important golf weekends. Hobbits have now given us the greatest and most shambolic results in golf. But as we know, nothing greater than 12 stabies can ever wash the stench of golf pooze off this years winner, Darcy (Dildo) Baggins. His golf is now amazing and a bitch slapping was delivered with vengeance and precision.
But to the beginning. In a hole in the ground lived a Seagull. He announced, renounced, declared, despaired, pondered then desponded. From that the 2025 HIO appeared. The boys whined, declared the Dunes was unfair, ambrose was un-American, cuntiness descended like only a bunch of cunts can. Despite it all the show went ahead, no one died, ambrose was fun, the Dunes pristine, the vibe all good.
Day one Ambrose was rad. Wonky of the woodland Wonks was declared the winner of the HIO. In an orgy of premature predictions, the tourney’s most farting golfer was touted as unbeatable by cunts who turned out to have no idea at all. Arise Sir Wonky? Yeah. Nah.
Day 2 aka Day 1 of the HIO saw Darcy start as he meant to finish. Day 2 saw him seal the deal.
Night 2 saw Marty get 1st prize for most fucked up. His delivery in Elvish and Orcish was impressive. How he got home in the dark is amazing. An array of bedwetters were gone before midnight. We see you cunts.
Final day and Darcy sealed the deal. He played to his handicap. Unlike the rest of us special needs cunts.
Well done DP. You hit the ball like a pro these days. The time of men(tal) cunts has ended. The time of Dildo Baggins begins….
Shire of Shame
Best golfer - Darcy. Outstanding.
Dildo Baggins award for shite golf - Sickman
Most pissed cunt - Marty
2nd best longest drive on final day - Scott
Biggest fall from grace - Wonky
Schplendid weekend boys. Well done Spiddy for another mint tourney.
Nek year organiser is the Fuhrer. Expect bunkers.
Ben to announce Open soon…cough…..
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